My Greatest Fear

When I was a pre-schooler, my greatest fear was to be away from my parents especially my mother. But when I was sent to stay in my grandparent's house to study elementary, which is an hour drive from our home from the city, I was able to overcome that fear.

When I graduated from high-school, I again faced another greatest fear in my life because it was unplanned that I'll study college in Manila, very far away from my family and without any friends in the new school environment. But that fear vanished when I was able to adjust to Manila-life for a couple of years and gained some true friends who helped me coped up with the difficulties and challenges.

The next greatest fear that posed when I was an adult is to bear a child. I'm afraid of needles, I was never hospitalized, my threshold of pain is very low and I really couldn't imagine myself carrying a baby in my womb for 9 months. And the process of how the child would be delivered normally or via cesarean birth is truly an unbearable sight and thought for me. But then again, when I gave birth to our two daughters, I was able to successfully conquer my greatest fear twice.

As the saying goes, "What does not kill you makes you stronger.", I thought I now can face whatever fearful incidents that will come my way. That was my mindset when I was living a "self-centered", 'self-directed", "self-seeking" and "egotistic" life. I may struggle to face my fears but with my own wit and capacity, I'm confident that I can conquer it.

When I surrendered my life to Jesus and accepted him as my personal savior, my true being, as what the creator has designed me for, was exposed right to my very eye. Jesus is the vine and I am the branch, apart from him I can do nothing nor I bear much fruit (John 15:5). I will be useless as soon as all the material things, fortune and credentials no longer buy me peace of mind, happiness, contentment and most of all, my salvation. These things just feed the monster of  "greatest fears". Yes, before living a Christ-centered life, I'm afraid of losing my job, the identity I carry in the corporate world, my sources of income, my husband, my children and all the material things I possess. I know about the story of Job in the bible, I just admired him and I don't want to be like him. That was my old self.

Being transformed by Christ, I thought I am now living a fearless life. God has full of promises in the scriptures, and being a faithful God, I know he would never forsake me and that I could totally place my whole life under his sovereign care. Not until I learned about his nature in Exodus 33:1-4 on the first day of our church's Mid-year Prayer and Fasting.

1 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Leave this place, you and the people you brought up out of Egypt, and go up to the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, saying, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ 2 I will send an angel before you and drive out the Canaanites, Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. 3 Go up to the land flowing with milk and honey. But I will not go with you, because you are a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way.” 4 When the people heard these distressing words, they began to mourn and no one put on any ornaments.

God promised the Israelites an angel drive out their enemies. He promised them blessings and favor by letting them enter the promised land, flowing with milk and honey. But the scariest part is, God will leave them, they'll not have his presence.

Never in my life I came face to face with a realistic and very serious fear, that made my knees weak and my heart bleed of its thought. I FEAR GOD WILL LEAVE ME.

God might leave me because...
     - I am very focused on my petitions and prayer requests
     - I preferred to pursue after the blessings and gifts
     - I am so occupied equipping myself with God's word
     - I became too busy with my ministry and discipling our kids through homeschooling
that I neglect to nurture and didn't remain steadfastly in fellowship with God.

When the Holy Spirit sent me this message, I cried so hard, like a girl whose boyfriend just broke up with her, or a wife permanently left by her husband or a mother who lost a child. Deep in my heart I cried, "Take everything I have that hinders my relationship with you but never leave me, my God! For I am just a useless speck of dust without you. I need you in my life!"

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. (Psalm 42:1)

How about you, what's your greatest fear?